I am so happy to be pregnant. I really am.

But to be fully and completely honest, I don’t like being pregnant. I didn’t like it when I was pregnant with Lauren. I wanted (still want) her so terribly, and I knew motherhood would be all worth the ten months of bodily torture, but I still didn’t enjoy it. Losing Lauren was worse than enduring the pregnancy, and obviously, I’m willing to do it again. It’s just . . . pregnancy is hard.

I don’t think that can be stressed enough. I’m sure there are women out there who loved being pregnant (my own mother appears to have been one of them), but it’s hard work for most of us. It’s especially hard with the first, because no matter what you read or what you hear, you really aren’t prepared for how little control of your body you have.

And I will be the first to admit that I probably don’t have it as bad as other women do. I do have days that I’m queasy all day long and nothing sounds appetizing. But puking hasn’t been a problem, and I haven’t developed any real aversions yet. It’s early still, so there’s plenty of time for that. But I’m sure some women have daily appointments with the toilet at this stage. Or can’t eat anything but plain bread and crackers, and even that’s work.

My worst symptoms are the body aches and the fatigue. The aches come and go, but the fatigue sticks around. I’ve napped nearly every day since getting the positive pregnancy test. I’d forgotten how tired pregnancy made me. Getting to sleep at night is not usually a problem, but staying asleep can be. Aches, pains, bathroom urges, and general restlessness all combine to make for an unpleasant night. Oh, and kittens. It’s not so bad when all they want to do is cuddle up against my tummy, but that’s not all they want to do. Yuzu is in the habit of sleeping on people’s heads if he can. Mirin likes to bring her favorite toys up on the bed and try to get us to play with her. (She plays fetch with her string. It’s adorable, except when she wants to do it at three in the morning.) Most of the time, they behave themselves, and I can’t blame all my sleeping troubles on them.

Also, pregnancy brain. Some days, I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’ve done all day. My normally reliable memory goes AWOL. Today, I left the house to do my afternoon errands and completely forgot to feed the kittens their lunch. They alerted me to this grave oversight as soon as I stepped back into the house three hours later! Sorry, kittens!

Really, that’s about it. I do feel bloated and gassy, but not always. And it’s not so bad that it ruins my day. It’s just irritating sometimes. I’m trying not to dwell on it, because I know it’s only going to go downhill from here. If this pregnancy is liked Lauren’s, I’ve got hip pains, round ligament pains, sciatica, and carpal tunnel syndrome in my future. I’m just hoping leg cramps and varicose veins don’t decide to join them!

No, I do not like being pregnant, but I’m glad I’m pregnant. I’m terrified of what might happen during this pregnancy, but I’m glad I’m pregnant. We want this baby so much. We want to bring this baby home so much. I will endure whatever I have to in order to make that happen.

Oh, before I go, an update on the birth center: we’re in! I liked the place as soon as we walked through the door. It’s very homey, a very comfortable environment. The head midwife said she thought we’d be excellent candidates for giving birth there, which is a huge relief. I love the options they have in place. Both of the birthing rooms have birthing tubs and huge, comfortable beds, plus access to a birthing stool. This time around, I won’t be confined to a bed, which is what I’m most looking forward to. And if something does go wrong, they have a good working relationship with a university hospital.

This is exactly what I was hoping for with this birth. I want it to be the most positive experience it can be. Our first appointment is on the 29th, followed by an ultrasound with an independent company on the 30th. We can’t wait!

Seven weeks down, thirty-three to go!