My world right now does not revolve only around my dead daughter and the rainbow child I so very much want to have.

There, I said it. I almost believe it.

I don’t dwell constantly on our loss and the continued delay of trying to conceive. I realize how unhealthy that would be. It’s on my mind a lot, but I have others things to think about too. Like how to occupy my time at home so I’m productive and not just goofing off with the Sims all day.

Food is one of my diversions (obviously). But it’s more than just food; it’s the cooking and the baking. The creation of food. Geordie might argue this, but I find being in the kitchen and creating food relaxing. I enjoy it. But it’s also fulfilling. A tasty, well-made dinner really gives me a sense of accomplishment. Food isn’t just about stuffing your face and sustaining your body. It’s about making people happy and giving a little bit of yourself to them. It’s about sharing traditions and experiences and flavors. It’s about companionship and surrounding yourself with people you care about and who care about you. There’s a reason we have dining room tables. I plan to use mine.

I am considering, as one of my options, going to a culinary school here in San Antonio and getting a Baking & Pastry diploma. I have a couple reasons to do it, mainly that it will occupy my time and be something that I both want to do and will enjoy doing. If a cupcakery is in my future, the program would be something that would prepare me for working in a non-professional kitchen. It’d be an intro to baking for other people on a large scale. It would present me with some new tricks and techniques that could take my abilities far beyond what they are now.

Of course, the problem with going back to school is money. Culinary programs aren’t cheap, and this one is no different. It’s cheaper than the full program, which includes a lot of “general education” courses that I don’t need, but it’s still pretty pricey. As I told Geordie, if I had to choose between going to school or saving money for pregnancy and a rainbow baby, I know what I’d pick. Culinary school could wait. I feel like I’ve already waited long enough for my rainbow. But that leads to another problem, that being how would I go about going to school with a baby to take care of? It could be done, I’m sure, but it’d be double the expenses and double the demand on my time. I could go through the culinary program in a year, and if I’m really daring, I could do it while pregnant.

I’ve been debating about this all week, as well as talking it over with Geordie. Another hiccup in this whole thing is that the next quarter starts on October 1st. That’s a little too soon. After all, we’re still getting adjusted to things, still getting settled into the house and all. So that pretty much decided things for us. The next quarter will begin in January, which would give us more time to think about things, save some money, and otherwise just get settled. Maybe by January, I’ll be able to decide if completing a culinary program is what I want to do.

So, if I’m not going to go into a culinary program, what am I going to do? Well, Nanowrimo is coming up in November. Plus, I’ve been itching to do some writing and editing on a mystery story I’ve had hanging around (a Nano project from 2009, truth be told). For the rest of this year, that’s just what I’m going to do: focus full-time on writing. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never had the opportunity to do. And maybe someday, if I’m very diligent and persistent, maybe I’ll actually have something published.

How about I make the goal a little more tangible? By spring of next year, I’d like to have a working manuscript, something I can send out for consideration. That’s hurdle one, and that’s enough to focus on for now. Publication will be a whole ‘nother obstacle to tackle.

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