I ask a lot of questions. Not always out loud – in fact, not usually out loud. But questions are always going through my mind, sometimes racing, sometimes lingering. But always there. It takes effort for me to put my mind to rest. Even when I’m staring off in the distance, my mind is going. Often, that’s when it’s going the fastest, when it’s the most overwhelmed. All these questions, crowding and demanding. It’s why I think it’s important to just sit and be still at times, to address what’s happening inside my crowded head.

The question that comes up the most, that is almost always pushing its way to the front is why?

Why? goes way beyond Lauren’s death. Why? goes to everything. It’s in the behavior of other people – in my own behavior, truth be told. It’s in the way the world works – in the chemistry of baking, the flow of the seasons, the patterns of weather. Why? is in everything, but sometimes why? doesn’t get answered. Maybe there are answers to all my questions, but I won’t delude myself into believing that I’ll always get them.

That’s a hard thing to accept. No matter how much of a truth it is – that some questions just do not have answers – I don’t want to believe it. I don’t necessarily think I have to believe it. There is always an answer. The real problem is that I just can’t get to it, for whatever reason. Perhaps it’s beyond my understanding. That is something I can accept. That the answer is out there, I just haven’t developed the mental ability to get it yet.

I like why? Even without an answer, it broadens things. It keeps you pushing. I don’t like when? The answer is never satisfying, but it’s always worse when there is no answer at all. And right now, when? is the question that plagues me the most. When will the right job come along? When will be finally be able to have a place of our own? When will we be able to start trying for our rainbow baby? I don’t know the answers to these questions, and even worse, I don’t know when I’ll know. Waiting has always been difficult for me, but lately, it’s become nearly unbearable.

But the burning question? The question that trumps all other questions? When will the loss of Lauren stop hurting? When will I finally be over my daughter’s death? When will I wake up and not immediately miss her?

I know the answers to these questions. It’s an easy answer: never. I’ll never get over Lauren’s death. I will never stop hurting, not completely. I’ll never stop missing her. And that’s okay. I’d rather keep missing her than forget her. I’d rather have her forever than to have never have had her at all.

Advertisements