A couple weeks ago, I wrote about a job opportunity that came my way. I decided not to take it.

I can’t say I was ever really enthusiastic about the job. It wasn’t something I was desperate to do; it was just something I thought would be nice for me to do. And I’d be doing someone a favor and getting paid for it. But I wasn’t excited about it. I worried about it a lot. I couldn’t decide if it was really such a good idea or not.

The week after I went to sit in on the class, I was told the school might not be hiring a long-term sub after all, that they were going to find subs in-house (meaning, pull free teachers for different days/time slots/whatever). Two things registered to me: 1. that was a bad idea and 2. I was kinda relieved that I wouldn’t have to accept the job. And that’s how I knew that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for me to take it if it was offered. I wasn’t disappointed; I was glad I wouldn’t have to be the one to say no. And ultimately, I wanted to say no. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to take the job. Which tells me that I didn’t really want to take it if I was already looking for a way to get out of it.

There are some things that I’m just not ready to do. Take on a full-time teaching position in which I’ll be surrounded by people is clearly not something I’m ready for.  I was already shedding tears over it and having mini anxiety attacks about being in that classroom.  That’s not something I want to put myself through on a daily basis, even for a limited time.

It’s just too much for me to handle at once. I’d like to go back to work in the future, but teaching can be a high-stress job, and my life is stressed enough as it is. I’m not ready to face a lot of people or have that much responsibility.  Substitute teaching is a big step, one that seems to be too big for me at the moment. I still have so many days when I don’t feel like leaving the house or I don’t feel like talking to people, days when I’m not capable of pulling myself together and forcing myself to do it. So, I’m not going to put myself through that. I’m not going to go out of my way to make my life more miserable than it already is.

Having made that decision, I feel a little bit better this weekend. Not great, not by a long shot. But I feel less stressed and less vulnerable. And that too, I think, is a step in the right direction.

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