Everybody needs a resolution list, right? Well, here’s mine. Here are twelve things I hope to do next year. Some of them need to be done, but several of them are just things I want to do. It’s important to have a mix, I think.

In no particular order:

  • Exercise at least 3 times a week.
    I don’t have much motivation to work out right now, even though I want to. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? I want to – but I don’t want to. Not that it’s too much work or too much trouble or that I feel terrible afterwards. I just don’t feel like moving sometimes. And no matter how welcome I am at my parents’ house, I want my own space to do it in. Even so, I know I should be more active, so here’s something to get me moving. And when I say “at least,” I mean that more than that would be better.
  • Lose between 30-50 pounds.
    This is connected to that whole working out thing. In 2007, I lost about 70 pounds. During my time in Japan, I gained back about 20. Pregnancy didn’t help much, even though I only gained about 15 pounds while carrying Lauren. I lost most of that after the birth, but I’m still not where I want to be. I know it’s terribly difficult to lose weight during the holidays – especially amongst my kitchen-centric family! But I have every intention of losing what I gained back, and then some.
  • Complete Lauren’s quilt.
    We were able to part with some of the bigger things we had bought for Lauren (the crib, the dressing table), but I couldn’t bear to get rid of the clothes we picked out for her. Even when I was still in the hospital, I thought about what we should do with everything that was at home waiting for her. I found a babyloss support website based in England that suggested making a memory quilt, and I immediately latched onto the idea. I discussed it with Geordie, and he was as enthusiastic about it as I was. So, we saved the clothes we had and gathered what friends and relatives sent to us, and we bagged them up. And that’s all that’s been done so far. I’ve made exactly one quilt in my lifetime, so I know I’m not going to be able to manage this project on my own. Fortunately, my best friend’s mother is an amazing quilter (she guided me through the creation of my quilt) and will probably be able to help me. The issue has been getting started and organizing everything.
  • Get a place of our own.
    As nice as it is to loaf around my parents’ house, it drives me crazy more often than not. I’ve always cherished my independence, and to me, there is nothing better than having my own personal space. I need it, I crave it. I certainly don’t mind having Geordie around, and I couldn’t wait to make room for Lauren, but that’s about it as far as sharing space. I want my own place, my own things, my own – everything. My parents’ home is familiar to me as my own name, but it’s not mine. And that’s what I want, a home of my own.
  • Get a job.
    This connects to the previous item. If we’re going to have a place of our own, we’re going to need jobs. That is the unfortunate way of the world. Geordie has been hard at work at this; I have been lagging behind. To be fair, Geordie’s the one who’s going to make the most money between us. He’s more marketable, with more experience and more education. Which means that, if I want a job, I’m going to have to wait for us to get settled into a more stable life. I would like to return to work, just not to anything too demanding. Office work, probably. Not exactly bread-winning material. But I would like to contribute something to our meager funds, and I plan to do just that when given the opportunity.
  • Complete scrapbooking projects. Start new ones.
    My best friend introduced me to scrapbooking, and I did quite a bit of it before moving to Japan. Once abroad, I didn’t do as much. I had less time, and materials were harder to come by. I had to go to Tokyo if I wanted to find decent supplies. Now that I’m back in the States, I’m eager to scrapbook all of the things I didn’t have the chance to do in Japan. I’ve already finished one, a scrapbook of our first year together, from March 2010 to January 2011. I have a calendar to finish, a ‘Geordie and me 2011’ scrapbook to do, and a birthday project from 2009 that I never got around to doing. And once those are done, it’ll be time to work on something new!
  • Write 1000 words a day.
    Perhaps one of my more difficult goals. Pregnancy stopped me in my tracks this year. I struggled through Nanowrimo. If not for the blog, I probably wouldn’t be writing as much as I do. Of course, the holidays don’t make it easy. I have old projects I want to finish, and two new ideas I’d like to flesh out. Next year, I want to make a greater effort in sticking to this writing-every-day goal. Also, I want to begin really organizing my writings about Lauren and perhaps work them into a real manuscript. I want to tell her entire story, from the moment of her conception to the moment she was born to the effect her death has had on our lives. This is still something I feel I need to do.
  • Complete my recipe book.
    Not a publishable project, but something I want done anyway. My recipes are in a complete state of disarray, and I just want to get them organized. I have a neat little Moleskine journal that will work well for this purpose. It’s just a matter of going through my recipes and deciding what I like, what I want to keep, and what would be better to throw away for good.
  • Update the blog daily.
    A lot of these goals to other goals – this one goes back to that 1000-words-daily thing. This blog will go a long way towards helping with that. It’s not always easy, and I have to make time to write somedays, but it’s been so helpful to write every day. It keeps Lauren close to me, which makes it all worthwhile. I want to hold onto that, no matter how difficult it gets.
  • Meet more of Geordie’s family.
    It’s been wonderful meeting Geordie’s family, to be welcomed into the fold as one of their own. He’s met more of my family than I have of his, so I feel I have a lot to catch up on. It’s something I’m eager to do.
  • Get our own pet.
    When I moved to Japan, I left my cat Sarge with my parents. I don’t think I’m getting her back! She’s kind of adopted them as her own, though I was so happy that she recognized me and warmed right up to Geordie. We’ve had pets back further than I can remember, and that was one of the things I missed most about the States when I was abroad. I would love to have another cat, and Geordie is set on getting a dog, which I wouldn’t mind having either, provided it’s not a little, yappy thing. It’s another thing we’d both like to think seriously about getting when we have our own place.
  • Get pregnant.
    I put this last, but it’s something that’s been foremost in our minds. We are both impatient about trying for another baby. We know we need to wait until we’re settled in our own place, but even then, we probably won’t start trying right away. We’ve agreed that the earliest we’ll start is early summer of 2012. But if we’re in a place where we have insurance and the ability to provide for a child, we’ll try again. Of all the things I want in 2012, this is what I want most of all. Not because I want to replace Lauren, not because I believe it will bring healing into our lives, but because Geordie and I want to have a child. Lauren made us parents, and we are eager to be more active in our new idenities of ‘mother’ and ‘father.’ If this is all I accomplish in 2012, I will be happy. And even if we don’t feel comfortable enough with our situation to try getting pregnant again, there will be the next year to try again. I may give up on everything else on this list, but not on my rainbow baby. One day, I’ll have a living child to hold and love and care for. That is the one hope I will never give up.