Not lazy. Unmotivated. There’s a difference.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write. I do. It’s just been difficult for me lately. Coming off Nanowrimo, I’ve felt completely drained. I thought writing about Lauren in November would help. It didn’t. Maybe it was too soon. Probably it was because I wasn’t as organized as I like to be. All I know for certain is that I’ve written precious little since November 22nd.

I don’t want to make excuses, but I do want to make changes.  I need a posting schedule. I need a set topic for each day, because if I just sit down to free-write, I’m just gonna keep rambling on about how lost and unmotivated I feel. That’s not productive, and it’s not going to help me either. So, I’m taking the days of the week and assigning them topics for me to post on. That way, if I wake up one day and think, ‘gee, I’d rather get a root canal than write today,’ I’ll have given myself a way to ease into the writing and soften the blow. I hope that’s how it’ll go. I figure it’s better than just ignoring writing altogether.

So, here’s how it’ll go.

  • Sunday: confessionals. I’m starting the week off clean by getting something off my chest. It may be silly, it may be serious. It’ll just be something I need to talk about.
  • Monday: a pic posting. There are lots of “Wordless Wednesdays” out there, and that’s kind of what this will be. Just a pic and maybe a little commentary. It might be an old pic or a new pic or just something random I’ve found and want to share.
  • Tuesday: a day of grace, by which I mean a posting about something I’m thankful for. Lately, I’ve been sitting and thinking about how much I’ve lost. I think it’s time I sit and think about how much I still have.
  • Wednesday: thoughts on pregnancy and baby loss. This has become such a huge focus on my life that I won’t ignore it in my writings. I ruminate on it so much, maybe it’s time I write a little bit more about those ruminations.
  • Thursday: posts for looking towards the future, whether actual or imagined. I keep getting stuck in the past. I need to think about the future too.
  • Friday: a post that’s family or household related. By which I mean recipes that I’ve tried and liked, traditions I want to share, or new projects I’m working on.
  • Saturday: a weekly wrap-up. Just something to tie things together. Might not be much, might just be random, but it should hopefully be something.

Today being a Saturday, what’s the weekly wrap-up? Well, it’s this. I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about how to get myself out of the funk I’ve delved into, and this is the result. This has been one of my most difficult weeks since Lauren died, and I wonder if it’s the culmination of all the nothing I’ve been doing. Time to start doing again. Even if it’s just a little at a time. I’m not holding my posts up to any high standards, nor am I forcing myself to write any fiction, though I’ve got my writer’s Book of Days here beside me when I do feel the urge. I just know that I need to do something, because I have been afraid of what I might become if I don’t do something to stop it now. I’ve gone down deep, so close to the bottom, and I’ve seen that I can’t stay here forever. I may have to fight to get back up, but I’ll take things slow and steady, because it’s not going to be easy. I know now that I can’t sail through this, I can’t just go with things. If I’m going to stay sane and upright, I have to put effort into.

So, that’s what I’m going to try to do from now on.